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Coronavirus debate: Which Crew player to quarantine with

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Which Crew player would you want to self-isolate with?

Photo illustration by Christian Pereira

The uncertainty of the coronavirus has us all on edge, an uneasiness that is compounded by being cooped up in the house as we all, hopefully, practice social distancing. It can be frustrating to not have the normal social interaction that we are used to. But what if you were riding out the coronavirus storm with a member of Columbus Crew Crew SC?

With that in mind and with apologies to Berlin-based Stadio and Unusual Efforts, who came up with this idea first, Massive Report asked members of our staff, which current Crew player would you want to self-isolate with and why? Maybe you’d like Lukas Zelarayan to brush up on your Spanish? How about Jonathon Mensah because he seems like an adult who would never let anything bad happen to you? Let the pointless arguing commence.

Drew Niccum: Definitely Eloy Room. Based off his Twitter, he’s mostly been playing FIFA and watching Netflix. That’s all I’ve been doing, so why over-complicate this choice? To me, Room clearly has the right idea during all of this: sit back, relax and play FIFA until it all blows over. Also, it would give me an excuse to learn Dutch.

Jay Homan: Hector Jimenez. If his personal life is like his professional career, then he is a dependable solution to help in any situation. Quiet time, check. FIFA opponent, check. Drinking buddy because you overstocked on milk and need to make room in the fridge, check.

Doug Hildreth: Not currently in the starting 11, but I would definitely pick Matt Lampson. I think he would definitely know how to have a little fun and would have endless stories, but would also be fairly responsible andz hold his own with chores. Between stories about Zlatan Ibrahimovic and all of his time in MLS, he would never be without something to talk about. He is also close to me in age, so it wouldn’t feel like babysitting! We would all be a little Lampstronger while practicing social distance.

Collin Johnson: I’m not a huge video gamer but it sure seems like Eloy Room is. The Crew goalkeeper frequently tweets about playing games online and streams himself playing via Twitch. Throw in some Netflix and that’s a recipe for a few months of relaxation.

Adam Miller: No doubt in my mind that Gyasi Zardes would be the best Crew player to self isolate while we wait for the return of the MLS play. The laid back Californian would certainly know how to relax. After finishing binge-watching all of the classics on Netflix, we could also rewatch his first half brace against our little brothers to the south, FC Cincinnati, from last year to keep us smiling.

Thomas Costello: When asked which Crew player I would want to self-quarantine with, my brain went a few different places. First, Vito Wormgoor grabbed my attention because he is quite the world traveler but the idea of him with four kids, and me with three, being in the same home together frightens me to my core. The next thought was Gyasi Zardes so I could get the Jurgen Klinsmann tea. Ultimately, I landed on Darlington Nagbe because we’ve lived identical lives (if you don’t include work ethic, athletic ability and traveling all around the world). We both spent a good chunk of time in Northeast Ohio. He went to St. Edwards High School, like my dad. He spent time in Akron, so we will have all the time in the world to talk about the original, better, Swensons, LeBron James and all things A-K-Rowdy. We both left Northeast Ohio for a while and eventually relocated to Columbus. The two of us are one and the same.

Dave Hageman: Josh Williams. Gazing into his azure eyes like pools of refreshing mountain spring water would be enough to sustain me through these difficult circumstances. Those mesmerizing eyes and coquettish smile would put me into a days-long trance that would last through to the end of our long global nightmare when I could emerge once again into the rejuvenating warmth of a summer’s sun and purchase toilet paper without worrying about shortages. Yes, I am happily married to a woman. Why do you ask?


Now we ask you, which Crew player would you like quarantine with? Let us know who and why in the comment section below.